NI HAO Old Friends, Sorry only 5 of you could make it. In 2017 The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York announced that there would be a show called Age of Empires, featuring terracotta soldiers from Xian. The exhibit was totally worthwhile but I must admit Michele and I were expecting to see more than five warriors. I mean, c’mon China you have 8,000 of these things. Send a 100 or at least 50. I don’t want to be negative, because it was a great reunion, but FIVE warriors! And how do we even know you sent us the best five? And one of the five warriors looks like it was made by a slacker who must have thought, ‘So we’re making all these things to be buried? Ok. Got it! Where’s the clay?’
On the still image of the videoclip above you can see those giant holes in the horses behinds that I immediately assumed were buttholes. Then I thought to myself, there’s no way these sculptures put buttholes on the horses. Then, like the horse lover the I am, I realized these horses didn’t have tails, so those holes MUST be where the tails went. Of course, the Chinese are not going to make buttholes. What kind of sculpture would go so far as to add buttholes?
But then I got a closer look. Check out the photo below. Tail hole is labeled #1. Now look at #2. DO you know what that is? It’s the horse’s butthole. These sculptors were highly detailed oriented. In order to see such detail, one would have to look pretty close at the live horse model, which means that some sculptors had to have gotten a horse hoof in the face!Because you don’t ever get that close to a horses butt without getting kicked in the face.
Western sculptors did not add buttholes to their works. None of the Venus sculptures around the world have buttholes. Even Michaelangelo’s David does not have a butthole. I checked. Twice.
Also, where’s the exhibition poster? The gift shop lady said that the Met does not have the rights to use the images because they are copyright protected. Are you kidding? China is like the world capital manufacturer of copy-watches, faux-handbags and illegally streaming movie sites. If you had just made the poster illegally, they would have been like, “Ok, that’s fair!
GET YOUR FREE AGE OF EMPIRES EXHIBIT POSTER HERE!
DRAG AND PRINT! DON’T TELL CHINA!